Debbie from New Jersey

My caregiving story isn't pretty. Neither were the last 6 years of my mother's life( or mine). I'm an only child and have been my mother, Mae's caregiver, since Dec. 2002. She died, mercifully on Oct. 11th. She was 89. She was 75lbs when she passed. All her life she struggled with her weight; always losing and gaining the same 25lbs. She weighed as much as 180lbs.

I have no family; make that 'interested' family. Funny, growing up I had family. If they needed anything...money, cars, etc, my parents were always there for them. In the 10 years that I was able to care for my mother at home, no one found the time to see her. When I tried to reach out for help, there really wasn't any there for me. I was alone, and still am.

My mother had many physical things wrong that still allowed her to remain in her home. That was my wish for her. We had been so close, best friends, for most of my life. Our once close relationship began to change subtly. I couldn't do anything to please her. We couldn't get along anymore, no matter how hard I tried. Her behavior(s) got more difficult to handle. Her wonderful doctor(s) tried to have her evaluated neurologically and psychiatrically, but she wouldn't cooperate. While her physical health was deteriorating, it was her psychiatric picture that eventually forced me to have to place her into a nursing home, sadly. She was diagnosed with Frontotemporal Degeneration. I wanted her to remain in the home she loved.

She hated the nursing home from Day 1, and did until the day she died. She also hated me for placing her there, Dec. 2012 (after 10 yrs at home). I still went everyday to visit, but the woman there was not my mother. My "old" Mother had been possessed by someone as nasty as anyone I'd met in my entire life.

These 12+ years of constant stress have eaten my savings. Caregiving pays zilch. Throw in the added stress and expense of a year long battle with Medicaid trying to take my house from me. My mother was laid to rest on Oct.15th. I was just diagnosed with breast cancer on Nov.9th. I worry how I'm going to pay for this. I have no one but my dog here with me. I knew this would shorten my life.

My fuzzy memories of my mother and I are gone; replaced by the ugliness of her disease. I took no pictures of her. She wouldn't want to be seen like she was. She was beautiful. I'll remember her that way. I'm waiting for my lab results. I 'm alone.