Julie from Kentucky

My 88-year-old mother and 90-year-old stepfather moved four houses down from us two years ago. My role as the oldest daughter and closest in proximity is to be there when needed, and give some respite to my stepfather.

Mom had a stroke two weeks before last Christmas that affected her speech and short-term memory. She has a wonderful speech therapist, who has provided some of her word sheets to my stepfather, so he can work with Mom every day. Mom’s speech has improved slightly, but she’ll never be conversational. Since my family are all musicians, and I had been a music volunteer for Hospice, I began music therapy with Mom. I play the same five songs on the piano, her favorites, first playing a bit and asking if she can remember and sing any of the words by herself, then singing with her. She loves these sessions and the speech therapist claims Mom’s sessions are amazingly better immediately afterwards.

We are so blessed to have our stepfather, a retired microbiologist with a couple of years of medical school. He efficiently handles their many doctors’ appointments and medications. But after Mom’s stroke, he was so distraught that we were concerned about his health and ability to be the primary caretaker for mom. My focus has been to give him blocks of time when he can escape the weight of being a 90-year-old caretaker. A paid companion comes several days a week, and I stay with Mom a couple of other days, so he can be away. He is most grateful for the two hours I stay on Sunday, so he can attend church. I made a weekly schedule with highlighted blocks of time that are his time, posted on the fridge to remind him that he always has opportunities to be gone. It’s a struggle for him to feel he can focus on himself, and losing his boon companion is a constant sadness.

My biggest challenge is allowing my stepfather to be the one in charge, while sometimes having to take control when things are awry. It’s takes every bit of diplomacy and tact I can dredge up. The most recent issue is my urging that a walk-in shower be installed, which will be safer for both when he helps her shower. My worry about Mom’s safety makes this a rush in my mind, but not so much with him. Helping Mom shower is his most difficult chore, but he resists hiring someone do it, even though they can afford it.

My parents are lucky, because money is not a serious problem for them. They can afford a weekly cleaning service, pay their bills, and pay a companion several days a week. My heart goes out to all those in our situation who don’t have these resources.